When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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