Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
