Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
