"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
