I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize