One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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