Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
