I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Randomize
