I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
