So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My vagina just clenched in fear
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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