I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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