Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
