I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
