Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize