the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Randomize
