Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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