My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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