don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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