If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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