M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
