If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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