I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
