Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
