Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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