he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
