Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
