Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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