Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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