My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize