i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
