God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
