I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
