he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Hippo gnu deer
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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