i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize