I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Randomize
