before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
