When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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