When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
