I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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