if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
