We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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