I could have mohawked her pubes.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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