My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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