I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Randomize
