There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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