Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
