so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
