You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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