can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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