my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
