worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
this boner is exhausting
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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