Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
