Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Randomize