I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize