bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
