I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
