You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
