you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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