Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
