I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
