Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Randomize
