My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
