Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
