You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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