if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
