just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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