did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
