Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
